So, ...would you want to know?
A dear friend of mine died recently, and I attended his wake before his final journey to his hometown where his body will be buried. Jim Richards died way to soon (only 56 and in great health) and everyone was shocked and deeply saddened for sure. The conversation about his life has been punctuated by comments regarding the way he died: Went to bed on Sunday and just didn't wake up. That's got to rank pretty high on the list of preferred ways to go, right?
There is no way to know what his final moments were like, but it's nice to imagine that there was no suffering or fear. If there was, it must have been acute and short-lived.
Terry and I are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They call it 'Anticipatory Grief', and until I experienced it, I never could have imagined the prolonged and devastating nature of knowing about your own death in advance. It feels like an endless parade of tearful moments intermingled with stretches without tears - always knowing you're just one millimeter from a full-blown weep session. Every opportunity for an emotional sucker punch is now also an opportunity to lose control in completely inappropriate settings. All movies seem to be about death, or have a scene that brings that elephant back into the room. Movies are less appealing right now for sure.
Anticipatory grief gives you a chance to 'get your ducks in a row', which is good from a practical standpoint. Terry and I will visit the cemetery to pick an above-ground 'companion crypt' (never mind that I will be cremated and tossed over the ledge on the Moki Dugway ) in a couple of weeks, which ought to be a real gas.
It's confusing to me that he's willing - even driven - to tidy up these details, but will not discuss how to have a 'good death' with me. Yes, hard. Yes, totally critically important. This is the most important thing we can do... to do right by him and to make everyone's memories as warm and meaningful as possible.
Terry and I are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They call it 'Anticipatory Grief', and until I experienced it, I never could have imagined the prolonged and devastating nature of knowing about your own death in advance. It feels like an endless parade of tearful moments intermingled with stretches without tears - always knowing you're just one millimeter from a full-blown weep session. Every opportunity for an emotional sucker punch is now also an opportunity to lose control in completely inappropriate settings. All movies seem to be about death, or have a scene that brings that elephant back into the room. Movies are less appealing right now for sure.
Anticipatory grief gives you a chance to 'get your ducks in a row', which is good from a practical standpoint. Terry and I will visit the cemetery to pick an above-ground 'companion crypt' (never mind that I will be cremated and tossed over the ledge on the Moki Dugway ) in a couple of weeks, which ought to be a real gas.
It's confusing to me that he's willing - even driven - to tidy up these details, but will not discuss how to have a 'good death' with me. Yes, hard. Yes, totally critically important. This is the most important thing we can do... to do right by him and to make everyone's memories as warm and meaningful as possible.
