“What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.” ― Brené Brown
Anger. Yes. Anger was most definitely the theme o' the day today. Where Terry and I have come to a place of connection and frank discussion based in reality (still working toward that realistic goal reassessment), there are two people that can wrench both of our hearts out completely, and they are his children.Samantha has chosen to stay at her mom's (presumably upstairs behind her closed bedroom door) the last three days that we were supposed to have both kids. I am flabbergasted that this is even permitted, but Terry has chosen to give her some space. Honestly, I just don't think he's got the energy or will to discipline her or force the issue. She has been hostile more often than not, and I'd rather not have her than deal with her hateful behavior, but it hurts Terry deeply and she is sorely missed by all three of us. I'm really hoping that her mother is making an effort to talk to her about her feelings and will help her through this. My efforts have been rebuffed.
I know she's been researching cancer, and probably knows a lot more than just what we've told her, but she refuses to discuss Terry's declining health with anyone. She claims to be 'so stressed' or points to her full schedule to justify her absence, but I suspect that she is angry/scared/in denial about her dad and just refuses to acknowledge her feelings. She is avoiding him, and right when he needs her the most.
Chase had been really engaged and sweet up until recently, even checking on him as he recovers from treatments and lending Terry all his stuffed turtles (a big sacrifice) to make him feel better. One time, he spent about an hour right by his father's side as was on his knees in front of the toilet, vomiting.
Man Up.
But now, it appears that he is growing more distant as well. Both kids have to be pissed as hell, upset and scared. I think it's partially because they have lived such privileged lives thus far, but the other part is because we have not talked about what is really going on. It's the elephant in the room, and we need to address it. Everything - gently, kindly and even creatively, but it's time to put it out there. If, that is, I can get Terry to acknowledge the truth about where we are at AND get both kids to sit down and talk about it.
They are so young, and I'm just realizing how very much I love them both. I'd do anything to protect them from the intense pain that accompanies the premature death of a parent. Especially a parent who is so wholly dedicated to his children as is Terry. His love for them is nothing short of fierce, and if I'm honest, it's one of the reasons I fell in love with the man. But how unfair is it that I will see them graduate, marry and have their own families while he will not?
I love this quote and will leave you with it:
