What's it going to be?
So what would you do? Seriously.... really think about it. I used to say things like 'I'd cash it all in and go to Fiji' or 'Go to Italy and work on a farm', and I meant it. But not really. Truth is, I would stop reading scans, cancel all doctor's appointments and buy some Donald Pliner boots and a case of fine red wines. Then I'd probably come hang out with one or several of you and just gypsy around until I couldn't.
Our oncologist finally said the words that echo our original diagnosis, and it's happening. Now. Lots of marijuana, essiac and herbal remedies lie ahead, but I feel like Terry's faith in any therapy is halfhearted at best. He says 'This has to work' as if he's threatening a consequence. I guess he is.
It's the 'Or else!' must become a possibility in both our minds before we can discuss it. My attempts to talk about what a good death would look like for him have been thwarted, and I get it. But it hovers like a pregnant storm cloud and I'd rather have an umbrella over both of us when it lets loose.
Negotiations
And so we bargain. A bowl of ice cream. A break from the constant haze of pot intoxication. What movie we watch (he may never watch another documentary) and what therapies we will or will not try. We bargain about what dinner will consist of, who will cook what and what method they will use.
He did finally speak to Samantha, telling her that she needed to figure out how to pack some of her stuff and bring it to our house for the weekend rather than opting out in order to stay with 'her stuff'. I'm glad he did, and hopes she grasped his real message. It was more of a command than a negotiation, however. She did respond by informing us that we will be without her again this weekend... it's homecoming, don't you know?
Sigh. We all miss her presence. He tries to shrug it off, but he misses her awfully. My negotiations with her mother seemed fruitful at the time, but I can now see that I lost in bargaining about how to approach the kids about what's going on. As the non-mom, it looks like that might be my fate going forward as well. I literally have no say, no rights, no place if that's how she wants it. I'd hate to have to wait til they turn 18 to be in their lives. :(
As for bargaining with T, I'm giving up lots of ground these days. He's won many negotiations that never even took place except in my mind. Yes. He's a control fiend. He deserves to feel that he's still in control of some facet of his life, and I can help foster that at times. Picking my battles is keeping me grounded.
Still crazy
Don't worry, I'm still myself. Proof: I am wrestling mightily with a strong urge to put up every single holiday decoration we own. Yes, all holidays at the same time. It just seems like a thing I should do, but I don't want to set off any alarm bells.
Then again... why the hell not?
